Rob’s Inside Scoop on the Travel Channel’s “Food Wars” BBQ Showdown in Lockhart

The only problem I had with last week’s Food Wars show on which I served as one of the judges of Smitty’s and Kruez’s brisket and sausage is this nagging certainty that Lockhart is NOT the BBQ epicenter of Texas. But that’s TV for you. And as Bob Cole delivered his tie-breaking ballot to a breathless and apparently fairly inebriated audience of BBQ fans, I couldn’t help but think of Rudy’s moist brisket, Luling Market’s amazing pork loin, virtually anything at Cooper’s or Southside, the Iron Works, the Salt Lick, the Railroad BBQ, those bodacious beef ribs at the County Line, Pok-e-Jo’s ribs, and well, you get the point!

Had the Travel Channel gotten in touch with me before they chose Lockhart, I would have had other suggestions. But alas, I was invited to join the show after they had made what appeared to be an arbitrary decision impacted by their fascination with this Hatfield-McCoy like feud that they likened to the Smitty’s/Kruez’s family connection. Of course a case could be made for Lockhart BBQ and many embrace this charming little town near Austin. I like the town but just don’t buy into the best BBQ in the state lore.

Anyway, that being said, there I was, locked in a vacant building in downtown Lockhart. Lights all over the place: floods, fills, spots, and a spunky host who apparently felt she had to compete with the uber-cool karate guy who hosts the Iron Chef on the Food Network. So as a result, since she has a relatively soft voice, she did a lot of serious yelling. In fact she yelled at one of the partisan judges so loudly that he dropped his bottle of water.

I was also surprised to see the News 8 van there. We had all been forced to sign confidentiality agreements. The producers were paranoid that somebody might steal the idea for the show. So then why was a local tv station there????? We all thought that was kind of amusing.

One thing I don’t get at all about the format of the show is the choice of two partisans as judges. They choose two guys who are both insanely in love with each restaurant.

I MEAN in love: they are droolingly enamored and could never find fault even if the brisket tasted like rancid dinosaur meat. So these two dudes join the other three “local judges” and then the voting ensues. But what’s the point of having the two partisans vote? They’re only going to cancel each other out anyway. My only thought is that the producers are going for possible comedic surprise: as in one of the partisans voting for the WRONG restaurant.

So then, after way too much time devoted to the Kruez/Smitty’s family trees and the endless shots of brisket and sausage being made, sliced, diced, eaten, etc. they got to the judges. I was introduced to the crowd and got to run through the throng high-fiving people I didn’t know. They led me to a table and I was blindfolded. Then, with this claustrophobic little buzz beginning to manifest itself in my head (think extended MRI) I had to stand there with the blindfold on for what seemed like at least an hour while rodeo star Chad was introduced along with KVET radio host Bob Cole (I honestly think the judge thought his real name was BBQ Bob). We were supposed to be the three impartial judges.

Then we stood there, endlessly, sweating under the lights while a whole lot of nothing went on. I could smell cue but couldn’t see a thing. Then, after what seemed an eternity, the host shouted out that it was time to taste. They brought us a sample of brisket and sausage in the traditional wrapping paper. Problem was, no one bothered to place my hand on it and I inadvertently knocked mine to the floor. Soon another one replaced, and it was time to taste the brisket. I groped around on the table until I came up with a slice and gave it the old 1-2: then a taste of the sausage. We had nothing to write on so any taste impressions had to come from memory. It occurred to me that this could jeopardize whoever went first. As it turned out, Smitty’s was “A.”

Then we tasted the brisket and sausage from “B.” Also, we all thought that we were rating the brisket and sausage separately each time.

Turned out not to be so when the finally the host told us to remove our blindfolds and choose A or B. The partisan next to me seemed confused. But the host summoned up one of her deepest voices and pretty much put the cabash on his protest.

As predicted, the partisans voted for their favorites. I voted for Kreuz Market, the rodeo guy voted for Smitty’s and thus it all came down (as luck would have it) to Bob Cole who was in the fifth position. The host continued to call him BBQ Bob-ad nauseum in my opinion (OK we got it). And finally, after milking the moment (I would have done the same thing) Cole voted for B and Kreuz was crowned king of Texas BBQ by a 3-2 vote.

So there you have it. The beer-induced crowd went nuts and all was well. Now in my humble opinion, there is no way in hell that Kruez Market is the king of Texas BBQ. It’s decent but I don’t think it or Smitty’s, for that matter, are even the best in the Lockhart. I’d vote for Chisolm Trail or Luling Market down the road. But hey, let’s be thankful that we do live in a state that has the best damned BBQ in the country. Maybe the travel channel will get the location right next time we have a showdown.

At any rate, a good time was had by all, and especially by some in the crowd. And I hope that Smitty’s and Kreuz and Black’s, Chisolm Trail and all the Lockhart joints benefit from the Travel Channel and Food Wars.